Growing up Roman Catholic I was always troubled by the God presented in the catechism. It seemed to me that God was humorless, vengeful, vindictive, quick to punish, and never forgave.
When I learned of Hell and what it took to get there I shivered. If you die in a state of mortal sin you go straight to Hell. And almost everything was a mortal sin. For example, for me a male should I look at a woman and desire her, no matter how fleeting, was the same as violent rape and murder. Missing mass was a mortal sin. Swearing was a mortal sin. So when I sinned I needed to go to confession to cleanse my soul. But, confession was only available on Saturdays and sometimes Sunday during mass. Hmm, if you line up for confession during mass are you missing mass?
Then there was purgatory a place of cleansing punishment where souls in the state venal sin would go for thousands of years for each sin. The only two sins that I learned where venal was smoking and getting tipsy, not drunk.
Lastly was Limbo. A place where the unbaptized went. Described to me as a place of dense grey homogeneous fog with no sound, and no contact with anything, anyone, or any God. This is the most dire punishment of all. I almost went there as the doctors were sure that I was going to die, imminently, after birth. My father found a priest to baptize me as I was going into the oxygen tent. John Paul II withdrew Limbo from the Roman theology. Why would anyone teach of such a horrendous punishment?
What I learned was that it was impossible for me to get into heaven. I had problems envisioning a God that was so unforgiving. One that seemed to delight in destroying His creations.
Then at 20 I had a dream/vision. What if I had a son that committed an horrendous crime against another soul? What would I do? I felt would have to turn him in for punishment. What would I do if he served his time and returned to me asking for forgiveness? I would have to forgive him and welcome him back into the family? If I could do this then why couldn't God? I reasoned that God could not give me the capacity to forgive if God dis not already have that capacity.
I walked away from the Roman Catholic church. In the years since then I have surmised that what the church was attempting to teach, at least originally, was that you can't earn your way into heaven. I have learned that heaven is a gift that has already been given. All we have to do is accept it.
I was unchurched for several years. I entered the Episcopal church via my wife who asked how we would raise our children after accepting my proposal. My response was in her faith, hoping she was not of a faith that preached Hell and Damnation.
Heaven is here, right now and when I embrace it I'm at peace. When I injure another I enter either purgatory or hell for a while.
As our Presiding Bishop says. "If it is not about Love, it is not about God"
